I haven’t slept through the night in two years. I used to think it was because my baby is an asshole, but now I know that it is me who is the asshole.
I have trained my toddler to be obsessed with my breasts. I didn’t mean to, really. But he literally starts panting when he sees them. He has nicknames for them: Shoon and Shoonahhhhhh.
I wasn’t able to nurse my first two kids. With this guy, my third, I was bound and determined to make it happen.
With coaching from my breastaurant minded girlfriend, I kept the babe skin to skin for eight months straight as much as possible.
Despite my mother-in-law’s passive-aggressive whiningcomments: “This isn’t on demand feeding, it’s force feeding” and my father-in-law’s “He still hasn’t given that up?!” we have been successfully nursing for two years.
I thought the hard part would be getting him to nurse. Turns out the hard part is getting him to give it up.
I know that I am ambivalent, and that is part of the problem. I love how he looks up at me with those big brown eyes when he nurses. I love how soothing he finds them me.
But I think there are some signs that we should wrap things up:
1. Multiple wake ups for Shoon and Shoonahhhhh all night long.
2. He can simultaneously hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, play with Matchbox cars and watch Sesame Street while nursing.
3. He is becoming like a belligerent drunk in public about on demand Shoon and Shoonahhh exposure.
4. The high pitched squeal before nursing (like Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean)
5. Downward dog while nursing
6. Diddling the other nipple while nursing
7. Demanding nursing when I’m on the toilet
8. I need a new bra but refuse to buy another nursing bra despite the fact that my current bra smells like an old man’s nut sack.
9. I can wrap my breasts around my waist like a boob belt
10. Tired of nursing on the backyard patio furniture at Target
Here’s the rub: I am weak. I hate to hear this kid cry. He’s my please God make sure the vasectomy took last baby. I need an intervention. Is there a reality tv show for this yet?
“He can simultaneously hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, play with Matchbox car and watch Sesame Street while nursing.”
I don’t think I can even do that. And I’m not nursing. Or being nursed. Whatever.
I will be laughing about your “boob belt” the rest of the day. Thank you. Please give my regards to S & S.
Great read! And extra kudos for keeping up with the breastfeeding – the little suckers are small for such a short time!
Loved this post and learnt a new word: breastaurant!!
x Lactation Consultant, South Africa
Hi Erica! My friend Joy referred to herself as The Breastaurant and I just cracked up! So glad you lovely Lactation Consultants are global. You ladies are the best!
Thank you! We LOVE our job, and we LOVE it when moms like yourself write /talk about their funny nursing experiences. Well done for keeping the breastaurant open – what a great start you’re giving your little one! x
What can I say? We men start early. My kid gave up the breast at 8 months old and has now become an ass man.
Rob, HA! I hope your wife doesn’t have to walk around with her ass hanging out in public all the time.
I laughed out loud at work til someone checked on me. Your kid has serious talent. Get him an agent stat!
Brianne: Talents? Humming the theme song to Sponge Bob while pulling the dog’s tail while slapping my face while nursing. Pure awesomeness.
I’m pretty sure Bill starts panting when he sees my shoon and shoona.
But he never asks me to pull them out at Target, so.
Not an asshole.
XO
Ah ha ha ha, Julie!!! You just say he doesn’t ask to see your shoon and shoona at Target, but I have a feeling…
XO
I can relate to every. single. thing. here.
Heather, You sweet thing! I knew you would. Love you!
First of all, I totally thought this post was about your husband. Second of all, thank God Target sells chairs because sometimes the patio furniture gets replaced by Christmas trees. Third, look at that face. How could you give it up? Better get some Febreze for the bra and get used to that boob belt.
I am you! I am exclusively nursing my third. He is almost 11 months and refuses to eat solid food. I wakes up every couple hours in the night looking for them. I am doomed but loving it at the same time.
Thank you for sharing your blOg… The boob belt is hilarious!!!
Caryn, Oh girl, that is hard core! My guy was woofing all kinds of food and still demanding the boob, so I was okay with holding him off. But you probably feel like you’ve got to feed him all the time. Ack! But it is the sweetest thing, too. I hope you don’t get the boob belt. p.s. I can’t believe your baby is 11 mos old. Wasn’t he just born?!
I know, T, the eyelashes get me every time. Damn kid. I have tried every way to get the stink out of this bra and it is nearly impossible. I just hope that no one can smell it through my clothing. Feh.
I have to say, if breastfeeding is the only reason you are not sleeping through the night, I am jealous. It means there is hope for you after you eventually wean your little one. I think I can count on two hands the number of nights I have slept through the night in the past 8 years. If it isn’t one of the kids it’s the darn cat or the neighbors dog…
Well, I don’t know what’s going to happen when we stop BFing. He is likely to be a sucky sleeper like his older siblings. Who knows? We may never ever sleep again. Weep.
If there *isn’t* a reality TV show for this, then it’s a sad indictment for television and time for us all to return to the lost art of, I dunno, talking to each other or something.
I agree! I mean, if there isn’t a showing about the art of nursing a toddler, society is in sad shape.
So happy you stopped my blog and Sara’s too! I was rolling reading through this post and a few others! I like that you tell it how it is. I feel like I am talking to a friend/neighbor already!
Almost peed my pants over the Squeal to see your boobs like a drunk…maybe I need to do some kegels
Kristen, I totally need to do Kegels too. And you know, anytime you start talking about Kegels all the ladies in the room start ‘em up! Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m excited to get to know you and Sara through your blogs.
I have nothing witty to say as I’m laughing so hard.
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I have officially dubbed you my favorite blogger to share with my friends who are new mommies. Be forewarned. Your blogs are being shared at an alarming rate.