I haven’t slept through the night in two years. I used to think it was because my baby is an asshole, but now I know that it is me who is the asshole.
I have trained my toddler to be obsessed with my breasts. I didn’t mean to, really. But he literally starts panting when he sees them. He has nicknames for them: Shoon and Shoonahhhhhh.
I wasn’t able to nurse my first two kids. With this guy, my third, I was bound and determined to make it happen.
With coaching from my breastaurant minded girlfriend, I kept the babe skin to skin
for eight months straight as much as possible.
Despite my mother-in-law’s
passive-aggressive whiningcomments: “This isn’t on demand feeding, it’s force feeding” and my father-in-law’s “He still hasn’t given that up?!” we have been successfully nursing for two years.
I thought the hard part would be getting him to nurse. Turns out the hard part is getting him to give it up.
I know that I am ambivalent, and that is part of the problem. I love how he looks up at me with those big brown eyes when he nurses. I love how soothing he finds
But I think there are some signs that we should wrap things up:
1. Multiple wake ups for Shoon and Shoonahhhhh all night long.
2. He can simultaneously hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, play with Matchbox cars and watch Sesame Street while nursing.
3. He is becoming like a belligerent drunk in public about on demand Shoon and Shoonahhh exposure.
4. The high pitched squeal before nursing (like Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean)
5. Downward dog while nursing
6. Diddling the other nipple while nursing
7. Demanding nursing when I’m on the toilet
8. I need a new bra but refuse to buy another nursing bra despite the fact that my current bra smells like an old man’s nut sack.
9. I can wrap my breasts around my waist like a boob belt
10. Tired of nursing on the backyard patio furniture at Target
Here’s the rub: I am weak. I hate to hear this kid cry. He’s my
please God make sure the vasectomy took last baby. I need an intervention. Is there a reality tv show for this yet?