Mama Llama Humping Papa

It’s Saturday night and Little Llama Llama’s mama is randy.

All week long Mama Llama has been schlepping Little Llama Llama and his whiny siblings wearing red pajamas all around the desert.

Mama Llama just wants her llamas to go the heck to sleep so she can have a beer and do the nasty with Papa Llama.

But Llama Llama One wants to talk about earthquakes. Llama Llama Two wants to discuss the ramifications of infinity. And Littlest Llama Llama is exhausting all of Mama Llama’s teats.

By the time Mama Llama has all three little llamas fast asleep in their beds, Papa Llama is drooling on the sofa.

Mama Llama either has to wake Papa Llama or resort to her favorite vibrating llama toy.

Mama Llama decides to leave poor, exhausted Papa Llama to his sleep, but she soon discovers that her llama toy has dead batteries.

So, Mama Llama gets undressed and wakes Papa Llama. It takes a little convincing, but Papa Llama rises to the occasion.

Mama Llama is so happy. She’s old, but not dead. She is a horny llama in her forties. It is odd that lady llamas get so horny at a time in their life when little llamas are so darn exhausting.

Anywho…Mama Llama and Papa Llama are on their way to happily humping.

Papa Llama begins to feel around for Mama Llama’s happy place. Uh-oh, thinks Mama Llama. He’s about to get lost in the post c-section pudge that some llamas get after three c-sections.

But Papa Llama has done this before, and lucky llama that he is he navigates the c-section pudge fold without confusion.

Then Papa Llama seeks out Mama Llamas teats. Where could they be? OH! There they are, hanging over the sides of Mama Llama. Silly teats! Get back up where you belong. Stop slipping off of Mama, teats!

Before long Mama Llama and Papa Llama are making love, Llama Style.

Mama Llama suddenly feels a little spanking feeling. This is fantastic she thinks. Papa Llama is so naughty!

But before long she realizes that it is actually the slap of her own butt cheeks that is causing the spanking.

Papa Llama is getting winded. His back hurts from carrying the little llamas around. Papa Llama’s knees are creaking

Now that Mama Llama is a middle-aged llama it takes her longer to reach the Frosted Cookie.

Mama Llama changes position. Mama Llama and Papa Llama are working hard. They are making excited sounds. The Golden Cookie is just within reach!

Oh no! Suddenly Mama Llama’s thigh muscles begin to burn and twitch. She feels as though she’s at the 22nd mile of the Llama Marathon. Her toes curl in a painful cramp. What will she do?

Papa Llama is so close to getting his Golden Cookie that Mama Llama must persevere. She huffs and sweats and swears under her breath that she will start a yoga class as soon as possible.

And just as Papa Llama is about to get his Golden Cookie Mama Llama and Papa Llama hear the faint cry of Littlest Llama. Everything comes to a screeching halt.

Mama Llama and Papa Llama stop in mid-hump. They are very still. They listen to see if Littlest Llama will fall back to sleep Their hearts are beating very fast. Then Mama Llama’s burning thighs give out. She collapses on Papa Llama. Papa Llama groans.

Mama Llama and Papa Llama hear Littlest Llama cry again. He’s not falling back to sleep.

Oh fuck me says Mama Llama.

Maybe next week sighs Papa Llama. Maybe next week.

30 thoughts on “Mama Llama Humping Papa

  1. Reminds me of the oldie but goodie…”who put the Ram in the Rama Lama Ding Dong? Who was that man? I’d like to shake his hand. He made my baby fall in love with me!”

    Believe it or not, they were called the Edsels. How fitting is that?

  2. it’s a wonder there are anymore little llamas after the first one – I swear they have an in built sense of timing to prevent any further procreation! Again, I’m giggling like a loon at your honest imagery!

  3. How true. But there is hope! They do grow up and start sleeping through at some stage! (even mine did). I read a scientific thing somewhere long ago about how babies tend to wake as if by magic when mamallama becomes aroused, even if the action is in the bedroom at the very end of the hallway – Mamanature’s way of spacing births of new llamas…

    • That’s really interesting, Erica! I think this mamallama would trade sex for sleep right now. I mean, give up sex for sleep. Not give away sex for sleep. Ah, you know what I mean!

  4. i never heard it referred to as Golden Cookie or Frosted Cookie :) I’ll never look at a llama again after this blog. Good luck and happy humping.

  5. Pingback: Falling Out Of The Family Bed | Kvetch Mom

  6. Pingback: Rumor Has It Vol 1 | Erin Margolin

  7. Pingback: What To Expect When You Are Expecting v. 2.0 Reality | Kvetch Mom

Kvetch with me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s