Oppressive Thoughts

I have a dear friend who is having anxiety, so I thought I’d share this list of Oppressive Thoughts as an alternative to things she can’t stop thinking about. Feel free to leave your own in the comments section.

1. The kids’ toenails are too long
2. I cut the kids toenails too short
3. That brown stuff under the Middle Guy’s pinky finger
4. All the masturbating
5. One of my kids might be gay
6. None of my kids might be gay. Disappointing.
7. That smell coming from the sofa
8. That smell coming from my daughter
9. Why the dog’s head frequently smells like my husband’s balls
10. My husband’s balls
11. The dog’s licking problem
12. The toothbrushes need replacing
13. I can’t remember which toothbrush the dog was running around with
14. We aren’t having enough sex
15. We are having too much sex.
16. Kids watch too much t.v.
17. I can’t get anything done when the kids don’t watch t.v.
18. I am a whore for reality t.v.
19. The squandering of my education
20. No one likes me?
21. Too many people like me?
22. I hate my iPhone
23. I love my iPhone
24. I want the new iPhone
25. I want the iPad
26. I want too many things
27. There’s a family of squirrels living in the mini van
28. I should donate to PETA
29. I like fur
30. I should clean out the mini van
31. I am a disorganized pig
32. I crave cleanliness and organization
33. The weird sounds the Middle Guy makes with his mouth
34. That strange thing the Littlest does with his penis
35. The whining
36. My dead mother
37. The possibility of my septuagenarian father getting an STD
38. STDs, what is the dormancy period for them
39. The Littlest licking the counter at McDonald’s
40. The amount of ketchup the kids consume in a typical week
41. Fear of Calliou
42. Fear of sponges
43. Strange sexual fantasies
44. Jeff Probst
45. Poetry
46. Will I ever publish
47. Is it that important to publish
48. I am What Not To Wear
49. The last ten pounds
50. The rig
51. The muffin top
52. The drooping
53. The chins
54.  Bacon
55. Chocolate
56. Salted caramel
57. Self control
58. Lack of self control
59. Slow walkers
60. Slow talkers
61. Student loans

12 thoughts on “Oppressive Thoughts

  1. Should I chuck everything and take my child somewhere like Idaho to create a self-sufficient lifestyle before the economy collapses?

    If I do, will you come? Do you know about chickens?

    • Jen, There are so many brown spots to be found in my house that they are all blending together. It’s overwhelming. I’ll add your brown spots to my list so you don’t have to worry about them anymore!

  2. Why aren’t I getting anything done on this vacation?
    Was sending my son to fence from 10am-6pm for him or me?
    It was for me.
    So why am I squandering this time?
    And why does my husband keep calling me and asking me to do his shit?
    Why am I reading blogs instead of writing my own?
    What should I do for a kick-ass New Year’s post that’s never been done before.

    Stuff like that.

    Oh, and cheese.

  3. Pingback: A Moment Of Contentment | Kvetch Mom

  4. You are freakin hilarious. I am an old friend of David’s, pre-Sarah, pre-Eliza, pre-Portland. He links your blog to his Facebook page. I love #41, fear of Caillou!

    • Hi Alice! I’m so lucky to have the support of the fantastic David. Don’t you just love him? Everyone should have a David. Thank you so much for reading along. I hope that you don’t have to see Calliou anytime soon. I practically wet my pants every time I hear that whiny voice. *shiver*

      • I hope to visit David in Portland someday. I have not seen him in like 20 years. We were friends in New York, and have kept in touch sporadically. We both have Elizas. I have friends and family in Portland so maybe we can kvetch someday. I have not seen Caillou in a long time, since my youngest is 11, but we had a computer game that used to get stuck on his voice whining over and over. AAAAAUGH!

  5. Pingback: Why Visiting A Public Restroom Makes Me Twitchy | Kvetch Mom

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