Superhero, The Tampon Warrior

I will affectionately look back on this week as The Week Of The Tampon.

It started innocently enough.

A confluence of events, if you will.

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I had recently planted a few What Is Happening To My Body? type of books around the house in the hopes that I wouldn’t actually have to have a face to face about pubic hair it might garner some conversation of the puberty type.

A few days ago, Ruby who is 8 and on Autism spectrum (which as I write this strikes me as something that should come with a backyard rainbow and unicorn), told our babysitter that she was worried about getting her period.

Apparently her best friend had filled her in on some of the finer details of getting The Period during their last sleepover. Our babysitter filled in some other facts when I was at work.

The next morning, as I was slinging breakfast, Ruby said, “Is it TRUE that you LET Dad put his penis in your PAGINA?!!”

Oh shit, here we go. I know we need to talk about this, but really, right now, over waffles?

Lucas looked up, intrigued.

Theo yelled, “Pagina!”

Then, before I could formulate an answer, Ruby said, “And when you get your period, do you REALLY put a piece of cotton up your butt?”

Lucas, ever the family scholar, said, “No, no, no. It goes in the vagina. It’s on page 14 of that book with pictures of penises and uteruses.”

(I see who has been doing his homework.)

Theo yelled, “Utusssuses!!”

And so we had a short conversation clarifying the arrangement of the various holes and their functions and how it is best to reserve use of those holes for, preferably, college or even graduate school. And how they must be protected from disease and the creation of new life.

By the time I was done explaining fallopian tubes and the vas deferens (also known as the ductus deferens, Latin for “carrying-away vessel”) the kids were mollified or at the very least clearly bored by my dry and scientific anatomical explanation.

Fast forward to this morning.

I was trying to take care of business in the bathroom, which as any parent (and pet owner) knows, is nearly impossible to do in peace. I had to leave the door open at least wide enough so that Theo could hear me, but narrow enough to keep the dog and cat out.

As usual Theo made his way into the bathroom. He saw my box of tampons and immediately had to investigate.

“Whazzz dis?” he asked while poking me in the leg with a Light Flow. I want da candy!”

“Oh, no, honey,” I said. “That is a tampon. It doesn’t go in your mouth.”

“Where go?” he implored while chewing on the paper.

“It goes in the vagina, sweetie. Not in your mouth.” I said, trying not to giggle.

“I want da bagina! Open da bagina!” he yelled.

Good lord, this one is going to need a lot of work on Manners Around Vaginas before he hits puberty.

So I took the tampon out of the paper wrapper. The kid’s eyes seriously lit up. Suddenly I had a bad feeling. A feeling that The Marble might be looking at some, uh, stiff competition. How would I explain this one to the preschool teachers.

“Ohhhhhhh, THREE baginas!” (He had already pulled the two parts of the tampon apart and before I knew it had run off with them.)

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I got dressed, came out of the bathroom and found Theo chasing the dog around with the tampon parts while yelling, “Supahero! Supahero the bagina!”

And thus, a new Superhero was born.

And now I’m hiding the condoms. And other unmentionables.

112 thoughts on “Superhero, The Tampon Warrior

  1. I’m a very hard sell. I do not give away the LOL’s. You got me today. Superhero Triple Bagina, terrorizer of cats. My daughter always called it her “China” which I loved, because when she brought it up at dinner in front of other people, it sounded very proper.

  2. Oh. My. PAGINA! I am laughing the cotton right out of my butt right now. Prepare for a FLOOD (not Light Flow) of blog traffic. Oh, and can I please be your agent? In other words “Open da bagina,” you got the goods, lady!

  3. It was a long time ago (1971 to be more specific) at the Canada into USA border crossing at Calais, Maine. My girl friend and I had pulled up to the “Booth”, wherein stood a rather large burly official, who proceeded to ask a few questions. Then he requested an inspection of the Volvo’s trunk. Obligingly, I opened it to display the single suitcase therein. He asked that I open it, and he proceeded to poke around, carefully lifting this and that. He asked if this was my suitcase, which I replied to the affirmative. One small object had caught his attention, and he kept returning to it during his groping around, finally extracting it, holding it up to the light, then sniffing it, rolled it in his fingers. Eventually, he asked the question… you see the object in question was about 2 inches long and maybe a half inch in diameter, white and wrapped in a clear film… “What is this?” he demanded… to which I calmly and quietly answered “I think it is a tampon, Sir” … turning beet red, he hastily returned it to the suitcase and told us to move on…

  4. I am so glad I listened to the Bearded Iris and read this before getting on with what I really need to be doing. SO funny. And now the code word is “BAGINA.” I’m hearing this in the Secret Word whisper in my head.
    Your timing throughout this piece was perfect. Thank you for the actual LOL!
    I do the sex/anatomy talks with my girls in round robin fashion. After the initial cover the fact ones, I keep circling back on the topics whenever the opportunity arises. For my next staged intro into the subject, I’m going to show them the Superhero.
    BTW, his cape will be red, right? -Ellen

    • Ellen, He does have a red cape! I need to sew a B on it :-)

      Thank you so much for stopping by. Next time knock and whisper ba-gi-na and the door will magically open for you.

  5. Oh my! We haven’t had any of that talk yet, my oldest is only 2 but she has began to question ‘Whats that?” when I am getting out of the tub (referring to my bush) and nipples and such. I dont think my husband will be able to handle when we have to have these conversations with our little girls. Good Luck with your Superhero!

    • Kristin, When I realized that my daughter was eye level with the bush(es) we stopped the family showers. No one should get an eyeful of that business!

      Get ready, you are just a few short years away from lots of questions :-) good times.

  6. OMG I am laughing SO hard right now! Mine are only 2…..but Will recently grabbed himself and told me he has a “wi-wi” and asked if I had one. I told him no. Matter-of-factly, he replied, oh….only me and Ariel have wi-wi’s. Um, not exactly.

  7. I don’t even know what to say but this post is awesome, I love your blog and cannot stop laughing! I’m also secretly preparing myself for the day this or something very similar happens to me..because I know it will!

  8. I just posted this on facebook with the following statement:
    This is so funny I don’t know what to say…

    Because I don’t. Which my family will tell you never happens. So.
    Bravo.

    Pagina.

  9. Oh sheeeeeit, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m completely unprepared for ‘the’ talk, and I only have one kid! I know this is completely immature of me, but can’t help giggling every time I hear the word ‘vagina.’ Very adult of you there, Sweaty! lol

    So I’m here laughing my ass off at this mental picture in my head of your boy running around yelling, “Supahero Pagina!”

  10. Jen! I love this. And I would spread your bagina all over Facebook if I knew how to do that from my iPhone.

    When Tech Support was little, he hung Tampax from his ears and said they were earrings. It was excellent. He called them “Potty Sticks.” And he told everyone about how I used them. Enjoy. ;-)

  11. Oh man, that’s funny. My son grabbed two tampons and flew around the house with one in each hand, cackling like a hyena. I finally caught him at the top of the stairs, grabbed him by his ankle, and had to uncurl his fingers, one by one, to get him to unhand them. What is up with that??

  12. This is what I miss when I have no time for reading during the day? Holy cotton swabs, Kvetchmom! Awesome story. Awesome week.

    And yes, please, do instruct your children on the proper method of requesting someone to open the vagina.

    • Poppy, The ammo has been hidden. (Though they are the ones with the cardboard applicators…OUCH…so he can have those. I’m going back to the gentle glide plastic asap.)

  13. Rather recently my two oldest (six and seven) were whispering outside the bathroom door because I’d taken a tampon in with me. When I heard my son (6) say, ” She puts then in her butt!”, I knew we had to talk. I explained, as scientifically as possible, about the wretched curse of Eve and left it. A few days later, as we were leaving to run errands, my daughter (7) came to me with tampon in hand and said, “Here, mom, take this with you in case your menstrual lining begins to leak out at Costco.” I may prefer your baginal superhero.

    • Sarah, I think I love your daughter. That comment made me laugh out loud! “In case your menstrual lining begins to leak out at Costco”–she’s going to be a friend other women will love to have one day.

  14. Theo’s comment reminds me of a boy I used to date…open up, he’d say. We didn’t last long. When I was about Theo’s age, I was in the back seat of the car (in the pre-seat-belt, take-your-chances days) with the groceries while my mom was in the front seat driving a catholic priest home. I was rummaging in the bag, bored, and began to toss into the front seat whatever I could find. Mmhmmm…tampons. Ripped open, pulled apart, and chucked forward, like weird tubular confetti.

    • Deborah, I wonder what happened to the “open up” guy? Do you know? He sounds like a piece of work!

      That poor Catholic priest. I bet he said a bunch of Hail Deborahs for you! :)

  15. This makes me yet again happy we are having another boy.

    Although, I have said many times my boys WILL know about girl stuff too because I refuse to raise those duchey boys who blame a girl’s attitude on her period. However, somehow, I don’t have as hard of a time telling boys about girl stuff as I would having to tell a girl about the shit storm she has to look forward to just because she won (lost?) the gender lottery.

    • Good mama! Your boys are going to make great partners. My brother was pretty douchey about my feminine products in our shared childhood bathroom. He’d freak if he saw anything wrapped up in the trash. I should’ve just left it all on his pillow! When I told Ruby about getting her period the other day she said, THAT’S NOT FAIR! I was like, uh, yeah, sistah.

  16. WOW!!! This is Hilarious! LMFAO! On thursday a tampon fell out of my purse and my hubby told Little Man it was a popsicle and Little Man looked at it and said “No!” Then he told Daddy “It goes up your butt!” Too Funny Love your blog thanks for the laugh and the reminder to talk to Little Man about some important things :)

    • Momgonerogue, A popsicle! HA! Good try, Daddy-O! It cracks me up that kids think it goes up the butt. Good luck with your Little Man’s tampon education. I’m rooting you on :)

  17. You had me at Bagina.

    I’m currently shepherding my third son down the puberty trail, and I found the more tech-speak they knew, the more freely they shared it with others. Like teachers, members of the clergy, and waitresses. Good times. :-)

    • Lisha, Oh goodness! With clergy? Now that could be seriously embarrassing. The fact that you are still able to put together coherent thoughts after living with 3 kids in puberty is a-maz-ing. Kudos!!

  18. Do you think one of his super hero powers could be to swoop down with the needed paper products when I’ve forgotten to restock? Or that’s a bit much, isn’t it?

    This is hilarious. I ACTUALLY LOLed. ;D

  19. I had to try not to laugh as not to wake the sleeping husband beside me at 1am. I failed miserably. Imagine though if he did find the condoms. He could put them on his little hands and become his own new version of Spiderman.

  20. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard since my 2 year old came out of the bathroom with a pad stuck to her “bagina”. She laughed & called it a diaper and I couldn’t really argue, lol. But then I had to pull it off….laughs stopped abruptly after that.

  21. Oh, I seriously have to come over here more often….a laugh like that I needed at 8am this morning! And yes, he needs to work on those vagina manners before he actually asks a grown woman to open hers. Enough said.

  22. HILARIOUS. But you’ve terrified me enough that I may have to go and buy some of those books you speak about….my eldest just turned four and has way too many questions as this age already. He especially loves to discuss ‘China’s’ at the dinner table.

    I love your header picture btw – truly priceless.

  23. OH my goodness – I am flushing and getting short of breath for you! I can’t even imagine how I would have handled the same set of circumstances but you can BE SURE I will be referencing this post when my daughter gets older; I like your style!

  24. I’m totally going to start calling it a bagina now. “Ohhhhh, THREE baginas!” Ha! And I love that he thought the tampons were candy. They do look kind of candy-like in their wrappers.

    Great post!

  25. You parent just like me. They ask, I tell. Noah (12) just recently pulled me aside to tell me he has hair down there and when I got all, “Oh!! My baby!” he showed me. Then he showed me a few days later that it was growing. This weekend he wanted to know about condoms. It’s all we talk about. At CVS yesterday I showed him the boxes but he wants to actually see the condom. He thought the penis just squirted at the bagina NOT IN IT!!! OH MY GOSH!

    Fantastic post.

    • Holy shit…that IS funny! Hopefully you can defer the squirting in the “bagina” til way after college and hopefully marriage!!!

  26. I was DYING reading this! Oh, I’m so embarrassed and jumble-mouthed and I don’t know what else. Do I really have to do this? Have the conversation? Can’t the stork who’s supposed to deliver babies do it for me????

  27. Oh My! To be a bug on your wall!
    For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re starting early to teach your gals that they have 3 holes down there. Both my sis who is a pediatrician and my best friend who is a PA have mentioned that they have encountered WAY TOO MANY adults and teens that don’t realize there are 3 holes!!!

  28. tee hee…TEE HEE….haw ha hawww haa….BWAHHHH HAAAAA SNOOORRRRTTT! (oops)

    What else can I say?

    In just 1.5 hours, this is going to be going around my office faster than the news that there’s donuts in the break room.

  29. And because of you, we now have a new nickname for lady parts in our house. Hilarious!! I look forward to your posts because they ALWAYS make me laugh!!

  30. Oh boy. Just remembered I need to have “the talk” with my youngest. I can’t even get her to read “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret.” And she’s only heard bits of conversations I’ve had with my older daughter. And she just doesn’t want to discuss it. I’m sending her to your house. Thanks for sharing your stories. I just love ‘em. Laughter is fine medicine.

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