For The Love Of Your Dog

I love your dog.

Really.

I do.

The way he rests his golden muzzle on my knee as we sit and chat over a cup of coffee is so endearing.

The way his fur sheds in a perfect concentric circle around my ankles (I have always wanted a pair of Uggs) is considerate.

And the way he makes a bee-line for my crotch as soon as you leave the room? A sure sign of brilliance.

Um.

Oh, hi, there, boy.

Look! A ball! Over there. Gogetitboy! Gogetityougoodboyyougooddoggogetit!

Um.

Wow.

Hey, boy, that’s a little too intimate for our first get-together.

Whoa, you’re a persistent bugger, aren’t you? 

Okay fine, to the left, that’s good, that’s good. Now, to the right…You’ve done this before, haven’t you boy?

Really, I do love dogs.

But I should be restricted to other people’s dogs. I should be forced to wear a house arrest anklet that goes off near PetCo.

Having a dog in my own house brings out my complete and utter incompetence. I have no idea what to do with an animal living in my house. I feel like I’m living with a ticking shitting time bomb. I sit and stare at the animal as it licks its genitals.

Look at you. You are an animal. You are in my house. You are an animal in my house licking your genitals. This is so weird. Wait, stop being a freak! Everyone has a dog. Why are you such a weirdo? Only a weirdo can’t have a dog licking its genitals in her home. 

When we decided to get a dog for the kids I could hear the great unspoken collective voice of all my friends and family: “She can barely wipe her own ass, how is she going to have a dog?”

But my husband and I talked it over at length. Why should the whole family be deprived of a dog’s love because I am Dogis Incompetentis? I promised to be engaged, patient, involved, Not A Quitter of the Family Pet.

First we went to the local animal shelter to check out the dogs. After a short visit we were told that it was not wise to rescue a dog if you have young children in the house. I think they said something like, “We can’t guarantee that Fang won’t tear out your 2 year old’s jugular because 2 year olds look and smell like big juicy hotdogs!”

Then we tried to rescue a pug from a local Portland pug rescue organization. We filled out a 5-page application.

No, we haven’t left a box of kittens by the road.

No, we haven’t had any sparring chickens in the backyard.

No, we aren’t criminals, perverts, lacto-ovo-vegetarians, supporters of wheat grass movements, growers of peaches, pubic hair or viewers of Glee.

We went to a rescue event and showed off our pug interaction skills. We even went through the at-home interview with a prospective pug. But the interview was at 6 pm and every single one of our children melted down in succession because, well, it was 6 pm and they all wanted to pet the dog RIGHT NOW NO ME I WANT TO HOLD HIM! NOMEWHYDOESN’TTHEDOGLOVEMEWAHHHHHHHH. The childless pug interviewer was dismayed and deemed us unworthy of being able to handle a dog.

So we put out word in the pug community (oh, yes, there is a pug community) and found a breeder who was looking for a family with whom to place an older puppy. All it took were the words “potty trained,” “crate trained,” and “such a sweet, sweet boy!” Before I knew it we were on a family road trip in the Silver Bullet on the way up to the armpit of Washington to meet the pup.

As soon as we met the pug it was a done deal. He was so damn cute. The curly tail. The dear little snort. The kids were in love. My daughter said, “I’ve never felt so understood in my whole life, he just really gets me.”

The first few weeks were filled with puppy love. But then we realized that the dog, named Ozzie Jellyroll Crunch, was pretty much running the show. He was peeing all over the place, and finding interesting places to poop (indoors).

We started working with a trainer.

I recall her cocking her head and saying, “Wow, he really doesn’t seem to be motivated by any of my usual tricks!” (Subtext: This dog is an asshole) and, “He sure is stubborn!” (Subtext: And he’s stupid to boot!)

We’ve had Ozzie for about a year and I’ve come to the conclusion that he is:

1. A Sociopath: An Axis II personality disorder characterized by “…a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood.”

—–>evident by his constant desire to urinate on my bed, on clean laundry and the carpet.

—–>evident by his obsessive need to chew up the children’s toys despite the gajillion dog toys and chewy bones at his disposal

2. An Anarchist: a person (or in this case dog) who promotes disorder or excites revolt against any established rule, law, or custom.

—–>evident by his insistence on chasing the cat

—–>evident by how many library books he has chewed up

—–>evident by his nose being firmly planted up the ass of any creature at his disposal (including cats and children)

So, when I snuggled into bed late last night and was met by the damp and pungent odor of dog pee on the comforter I silently cried You muthaFUCKING Dog! But I have pledged to Stay The Course of Canine Insanity so despite his diagnosable issues, I will stay the course and hope my shrink will hook me up with a good pharmaceutical pacifier.

47 thoughts on “For The Love Of Your Dog

  1. LOL. And that’s why I am still resisting! There will be no dog in our house. Because it’s so hard to get an appointment with a shrink in Canada. Damn cute though, those pugs :)

  2. I thought this was about the neighbors dog that always barks. This may have been even funnier (not that fact that you are sleeping in dog pee)! As much as those darn furry things drive us crazy, they also do just what your daughter said…they get us. I think he just knows you are a blogger and is trying to give you some writing prompts ;-)

    • Kristen, If it had been fresh, warm dog pee that would be one thing…but cold stinky dog pee. No.

      Yep, the kiddos love the dog so much that there’s no way around him. My daughter believes she can read his mind and I think she just might!

  3. When you think that he “might” like another doggie friend. call me. i’ll talk you down off that ledge sister because two is WAY worse than one. Don’t think a “friend” will make it better. rookie mistake!

    And that video…he looks like he’s totally running the show.

    • Brianne, He IS running the show. He knows it. We know it. The only one who rules Ozzie is Alice the Cat. And that’s just because she has claws. I did have the ten-second idiot idea of getting Oz a companion, or rather a well trained better example dog, but you’ll just disavowed me of that notion. So thank you for your good work!

  4. You know they say dogs absorb and reflect the psychoses of their owners, right? And that there are no bad dogs only bad owners? That’s what THEY say anyway, because THEY are a bunch of assholes. :-) True story: the other morning my husband got up and I catnapped in bed. Unbeknownst to me he chucked petey (Boston terrier), who is obviously Ozzies long lost soulmate, onto the bed. I had a dream ny husband was being “affectionate” when I jolted upright realizing Petey Poo had snuggled between my legs and shoved his nose into the warmest spot he could find. Urghle! at least if he’s soaking up psychoses in the household now I know ita from Eric and not me :)
    Ozzie can come play at our house any time.

    • Pamela, HA! Exactly! THEY are a bunch of assholes. AND, I am crazy and thus I have a crazy dog. Both true. Petey Poo is a little Merv the Perv and yes, that can only be blamed on Eric. I’m going to send Ozzie over straight away for a 12-15 year playdate. You’ll hear him urinating on your front door any minute now :)

  5. Bless you. I Love animals, dogs in particular. But there is only so much pee a person can stand. Multiply this by the fact that I still have potty-training children and you’ll come up with the answer for why there aren’t any puppies in my house right now. Our Saint Bernard is house trained and lets the kids ride her so that’s good enough for me! :)

    • Beth, Saint Bernard’s seem like great family dogs. Mellow, right?

      We are in an unfortunate pee cycle. We need new carpet because it has been destroyed by the kids and the dog, but we don’t want to get new carpet because of the kids and the dog. So the dog keeps peeing on the carpet because it smells like his pee. And thus the cycle continues until one day I burn the house down.

      • Definitely mellow for the most part. She has her moments though. Thankfully, they are more funny and entertaining than they are annoying :D
        I feel your pain on the “cycle”… we’ve been through it! We got through it with the dog…Now we’re repeating it with the kids, lol.

        • Beth, Somehow the kids peeing on the carpet doesn’t bother me as much as when the dog does! I’m hoping he will grow out of the constant stream or at least it will be diminished once he has been fixed. :) I’m glad your pooch is fun!

  6. Oh my, you slay me! Everyone was shocked that we got a dog, too – mostly because I’m not really an animal lover.

    But.

    But, I do love, love, love our Louie now.

    ::ducking for cover:: I know how annoying that sounds.

    (Fab post, and leaving now. :))

    • Ha! Galit, I too love your Louie. Because he lives at your house and poops on your stuff.

      Our dog is beloved, too. He’s just so very dumb you can hardly blame him for all of his poor behavior. But really, he is an anarchist. Louie seems like he walks the straight and narrow, no?

  7. Oh, DOGS. I have 3 of them. THREE OF THEM. Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re dog hoarders. India predates my husband so she’s family. Sam belongs to my husband so I tolerate him. Maya is brand-new, a shelter puppy, an adorable 4-lb chihuahua who eats my shoes. She eats my shoes! They’re twice her size and she eats them.

  8. I have two dogs that are total assholes but I love them shamelessly and want a third.

    But I’m just not sure I could keep up with picking up the crap of THREE dogs.

    Plus we travel quite a bit so I’d be asking my neighbor (who loves dogs and who loves our dogs in particular) to fall in love with yet another dog that is oursnothis.

    There may be only so much crotch-sniffing one neighbor can be expected to withstand…

    (Right? Because really. I’m a total sucker and want another dog. And another kid. Have I mentioned I’m insane? I have. Yes. It’s true.)

    Someone talk me off the ledge. Or jump with me.

    • Julie our third dog is the absolute doggie loe of my life (see comment above, ’nuff said) which I would not have known had we wisely stopped at two. I got a “mini” to go with our giants ones under the theory of less poo but hello he’s Ozzie-like In the way of excessive expellations of multiple kinds. But I <3 petey the one eyed Boston terrier more than I currently love my teenagers!

  9. I thought it was hilarious that in the background of your video “when you wish up on a star” was playing…. your dreams come true!

  10. I don’t know if this will help you, but one of my dogs is insanely incontinent (the other one was house-trained when he came home as a 10-week-old puppy…can you tell who’s my favorite?) and I bought him a Tinkle Belt for Boy Dogs (actually two…one for washing, one for wearing). Yes, that is the real name. My friends think this is hilarious but the marking has stopped. Totally worth the $9.99 I spent on the dumb thing.

    • Kimberly, Exactly! There’s something much different from witnessing your sweet little darling have an “accident” than watching your pooch lift a leg on your sofa. Bleeeech.

  11. I used to love dogs. I did.
    Both of mine are sociopaths, I am sure of it.
    I am so over both of them. Henry (the 4 yo) woke me up at 3:45 am today and putzed in the yard until 4:15.

    Because having three kids sleeping- SOMEONE had to wake me up. fucker.

  12. Crate the little “darling” at night and see if he enjoys sleeping in his poop????

    He looks so sweet – too bad, he wouldn’t last one day with his bad behavior.

    Lottsa luck.

    Love, Aunt Edee

    • Hi Aunt Edee,

      He actually does sleep in a crate overnight and it has helped quite a bit. But for some reason, no matter how many times we walk him, he likes to jump up on our beds and pee on them. So he’s banned from most rooms of the house. He is such a sweetie, so we’re keeping him. But I’m going to get him a sanitary pad if he doesn’t outgrow this soon. XOXO

  13. Ha! Your dog – the anarchist. He’s awfully cute though.
    We can’t have a dog or cat due to my kids’ allergies…isn’t that perfect?
    Funny, funny post.

  14. 3 dogs, one kid. I work for a large animal welfare org that has probably been parodied relentlessly on Comedy Central (we’re not all assholes). Only one of the inhabitants of this house under four feet tall has not taken a shit in my bed, but 3 out of 4 don’t wake me up at the crack of dawn demanding Dora, so we’re cool.

    • Brenna, That is awesome. I have a feeling it has something to do with your competence with dogs. I applaud animal welfare orgs and will definitely adopt from one when my kids are older. Our kitten came from Portland’s Cat Adoption Team. Awesome organization.

    • Marie, My husband is a dog lover, so I was totally outnumbered. I applaud your strength! And, ah, yeah, Portlanders are crazy about their dogs. Did you see the Portlandia a couple weeks ago that had a bit set in a dog park? So funny. So true!

  15. I fell into the trap ten years ago. The dog still lives. My solemn vow is that I will never, EVER have another dog in my house. EVER. (That’s assuming this one ever dies.)

    I also “got him for the kids.” What a freakin’ joke. Thank heavens he’s too small and too old to sniff crotch.

    If it helps, the pug is awfully cute.

  16. I’m really not a dog lover.
    But my family is.
    So we’ve made a deal that once the cat dies (heaven forbid), then we’ll get a dog.
    I’m keeping my cat very healthy!!

  17. Pingback: Denial, It’s Not A River In Egypt | Kvetch Mom

  18. I just discovered your blog today and so glad I have! I relate to much of what you’ve described… From pug-owning to tatoo-ing to surviving Portland rainy season. You are a fantastic writer with great stuff to say. I’m raising my (wine) glass to you tonight.

  19. Wow. I no longer feel bad for banning my Lab mix to the outsides even though the Internet keeps telling me I’m now worthy of execution. I’ve spent $2000 training that dog, well worth it since she now longer tries to eat the baby, but the shedding and peeing and pooping inside—I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not an immaculate housekeeper, and she was making it 1000 times worse. I keep telling myself as she’s outside refusing to use her dog house in the rain that, hey, I at least saved her from the Big Needle. Did you know it’s been scientifically documented that dog owners live longer than non dog owners? Not sure why that is exactly, but I’m going with it.

  20. annnnd this is why we don’t have a dog.

    All of these things give me the heebs.

    now, to convince dog-loving husband and dog-loving boy of these things.

    damnit.

  21. I don’t know if you have a trainer you really like or are finding success with but please contact me if you need references. I am starting a nonprofit dedicated to training and behavior resources for dog owners (especially rescued dog owners especially) and have referrals if you would like! Good luck! Also if you are a big reader and want to nerd out on dog behavior books, they are fascinating!

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