Run!

Ah, the sun is shining, I have an hour to exercise! This is going to be great.

Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re making us do this. Our ass cheeks are hanging out of these running shorts. And who the hell decided that running shorts have to be so freakishly short?

The neighborhood looks so beautiful and green. Look at me! I’m running. Wow!

Have you noticed what is happening to our lungs? I can barely breathe. The neighbors are staring at us. They are trying to figure out where the wheezing sound is coming from. 

Well this isn’t so bad. I haven’t exercised for a long time and I’ve actually made it to the end of the block. Awesome! Hi, neighbor!

I can’t believe you’re waving to the neighbors when you’ve got some serious ass jiggling right there for everyone to see.

Coming up on a hill. Slow and steady wins the race. Focus on positive thoughts. This is so good for me! Healthy! Strong! Yeah!

Well, that was good for today! We can turn around now.

This is a little uncomfortable, but look…I’m halfway up the hill!

I think my thighs feel a little chafed. And there seems to be sweat under our boobs. This is definitely not comfortable. Running is for suckers. Let’s just walk. Walkie walkie walkie walk. Walkwalkwalkwalkwalk. HEY! YOU! Do you hear me? 

I will erase negative thoughts. I will keep running. I’ll go another block and see how I feel. One step at a time. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going!

One step at a time my foot! I feel a blister coming on. Or maybe a heart attack. There is going to be serious bruising of the lower back if we keep going. This is not a run, this is a death march. Do you not feel the painful degradation of these muscles? We are going to pass out and die right here.

Just be quiet! Just keep going. See that mailbox? If I can make it to that mailbox I am freakin’ golden. Don’t listen to that.

Don’t listen to that? Hello, crazy? That “that” is you, freak. 

Shut up! I know! Pump the arms, pump the arms. Not that much. Okay, keep the breathing steady. Two short inhalations, one long exhalation. That’s right! You remember how to do this! You are awesome. Go. Go!

Seriously. You are cheerleading for yourself? How about we just turn aroundsky and go home and have a nice cool drink and a few brownies? Brownies! Brownies! Brownies!

Fine. Fuck you. I’m done. 15 minutes isn’t that bad.

15 minutes? Seriously? You’re going to stop after 15 minutes? You can’t turn around and limp home after 15 minutes. How embarrassing.

Embarrassing?! Who was just chanting, “Brownies! Brownies! Brownies!”? You are such a jerk.

Look, you said you wanted to get healthy. Let’s save face here and at least “wog” for another 5 minutes.

Fine.

Good. Go! Why aren’t you going?

I really hate you sometimes.

Stop your whining and run, girl! Run!

Hey! Maybe we can make it to the Dairy Queen!

I like the way you think.

14 thoughts on “Run!

  1. I like the way you think, too.

    I also like the fact that you didn’t blog for two months but then you just go ahead and post something without feeling the need to say a THING about your absence.

    Really.

    You’re my hero.

    Meet you at the DQ in an hour?

  2. Yeah! I’ve been on that run! And I love using mailboxes as landmarks. I tell myself, “I can make it to that white mailbox” at the end of my runs and I almost always do. Thanks for an inspiring post.

  3. Oh friend I’ve missed you! I feel this every time I “wog” or bike ride with hubs. He thinks we need to be his water girls for his marathon training. Yeah pulling a 25+ lbd toddler in a bike taxi up hill on a dirt path is all sorts of fun for my labes. Just sayin’ bikin’ ain’t meant for w(p)ussies.

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