Uncovering Mob Activity & Other Goals for 2012

I really hate New Year’s Resolutions. Nothing squelches my ability to change than committing to doing something within a year. So I thought I’d shoot for some truly important things in 2012.

1. Lobby for valet parking at Target
2. Lobby for childcare at nail salons
3. Get PhD and write dissertation revealing scientific proof that bacon is derived from unicorns
3. Create yogurt lids that don’t splurt yogurt upon opening
4. Bring back rainbow suspenders
5. Orchestrate a flash mob at the DMV
6. Create a drive-through that offers healthful Quarter Pounders with Cheese
7. Moving sidewalks, or bike bells!, for slow walkers

8. Mute option for annoying people
9. Create the virtual marital sex experience
10. Encourage more world glitter use
11. Convince gay neighbor to be my friend
12.  Continue to pluck and catalog gray hairs in special Mama’s Getting Old album
13. Ask the cashier at Walgreens if she’ll take baby teeth instead of change
14. Send World’s Longest Pubic Hair to Guiness Book of World Records
15. Lobby for candidate who will promote National Kegel Day with explanatory ad campaign
16. Encourage kids to call me Maw
17. Learn banjo
18. Learn various Asian dialects so I can confirm malfeasance at Nail Salon
19. Use knowledge of mob activity at Nail Salon to get free pedicures
20.  Borrow a seal from the zoo
21. Convince daughter that pet seal will poop on her bed
22. Get nomination for What Not To Wear
23. Bring back R2D2, unicorn rainbow and What’s Happening!! t-shirts.
24. Cure pathological need to keep dead mother’s big white underwear
25. Experiment eating Oreos in places other than closet, laundry room and in the dark