My Beef With The Whang

House Hunters. House Hunters International. I love hate hate love to hate these shows.

This Would Be So Much Better Than Where You Live Now

I love the idea of moving my messy, chaotic life to a new home, or better yet a new country.

(The kids could be bilingual! We could have a châteaux where I could microwave the kids’ chicken nuggets in style. We could get an Au pair! I could invite Nate Berkus to gay Paris and we could divulge our deep, dark secrets over a glass of champagne. We could have a love child and name him Jacques!)

But honestly, I can’t stop watching House Hunters and House Hunters International because of host Suzanne Whang.

In House Hunters The Whang walks backwards while talking. She is amazingly good at walking backwards. This fascinates me.

The Whang bangs are also very interesting. But even better is how The Whang is the virtual host of House Hunters International.

You never actually see The Whang during House Hunters International episodes, but you hear her voice. And it is judgy. Super judgy. There seems to be a dark commentary going on underneath the smooth NPRishness of The Whang’s voice overs. I am repulsed and yet oddly fascinated by her judgy darkness.

You Are A Poor Decision Maker

Take this episode, “Moving To Madrid, Spain,” as described by HGTV:

“Kelsey and Miguel first met when she was studying abroad in Spain. After returning to Chicago, they maintained a long-distance relationship until she made the permanent move back to Europe. She settled into a new life with Miguel in Zaragoza, but then a new job took Miguel south to the capital city of Madrid. Once again, they were long distance. Now Kelsey’s on her way to Madrid, where she’ll be studying for a master’s degree and hopefully finding a permanent home with Miguel. But her program is in central Madrid, and Miguel’s work is in the north–finding something that’s well-situated for commuting to both will be tough. Not to mention securing a place that fits Kelsey’s traditional taste and Miguel’s more modern sensibilities will be another challenge. Are they up for it? Find out when House Hunters travels to Madrid, Spain.”

If you watch the episode and listen closely you will hear The Whang Subtext in her voice overs. You should imagine her getting drunker and drunker as the episode unfolds. And you, yourself, should have a shot every time someone says the word “journey” or “adventure.”

“Kelsey and Miguel first met when she was studying abroad in Spain”
The Whang Subtext: Kelsey is annoying. She looks like a young Martha Stewart and she won’t put out. It is hard to ignore her nasal Chicago accent. Her family and friends were relieved when she decided to leave the country. Miguel is a perv for petite blonde Americans. No one would hang out with Kelsey in Spain, so Miguel made his move.

“After returning to Chicago, they maintained a long-distance relationship until she made the permanent move back to Europe.”
The Whang Subtext: Miguel fell in love with Kelsey because Kelsey was so into the fantasy of sleeping with a native that she put out. A lot. They maintained a relationship over Skype, but Skypesex wasn’t satisfactory to Miguel. Miguel begged Kelsey to move back to Spain. Kelsey was flattered. She was up for the adventure. It would be quite a journey. Kelsey’s family encouraged her to go to Miguel because preferred seeing her only once a year.

“She settled into a new life with Miguel in Zaragoza, but then a new job took Miguel south to the capital city of Madrid. Once again, they were long distance.”
The Whang Subtext: Even though he was getting laid a lot, even Miguel began to tire of Kelsey’s whiny, annoying Martha Stewartish ways. He moved south to get a breather and have his own adventures with women who were open to having oral sex. After messing around with hookers for a short time he began to miss being ordered around by Kelsey. He began to reconsider the benefits of Skypesex.

“Now Kelsey’s on her way to Madrid, where she’ll be studying for a master’s degree and hopefully finding a permanent home with Miguel.”
The Whang Subtext: (Eye rolling.) Can this girl be any more desperate? Can’t she see that Miguel is really a loser? Now Miguel is stuck with her for the length of her master’s degree program. Can’t Miguel grow a pair and cut this chick loose, or will he move to another part of Spain when he needs to escape Kelsey’s high-pitched voice again?

“But her program is in central Madrid, and Miguel’s work is in the north–finding something that’s well-situated for commuting to both will be tough.”
The Whang Subtext: Will Chelsea’s whining about the commute wear Miguel down? If he chooses a place closer to Chelsea’s school will she shut up and cook him empanadas?

“Not to mention securing a place that fits Kelsey’s traditional taste and Miguel’s more modern sensibilities will be another challenge. Are they up for it?”
The Whang Subtext: Kelsey wants a “girly” apartment. She likes a flowery tile backsplash in the kitchen. She turns her nose up at Miguel’s love of modernism. Kelsey would rather live in a super unique loft with ceilings so low that Miguel has to walk around like The Hunchback of Notre Dame in his own home. She figures he can spend most of the time on the veranda. These two could not be any different. Why are we even following these assholes around with cameras when they are going to break up as soon as Kelsey stops giving Miguel frequent booty?

Next up? The crazies who go on House Hunters expecting a mansion for the cost of a Big Mac.

17 thoughts on “My Beef With The Whang

  1. Well, this was certainly different. Will Miguel run with the bulls next season or will he eat chocolate drops in the Andes with Juan Valdez bringing in his new coffee crop? The burning question calls to us. Or was that Carmelita Pope in the cooking oil section? I forget.

  2. Now that our kids stay up later than we do at night (cough), Bill and I “retire” to the boudoir telling the kids “We’re just going to watch some TV. Don’t knock, please.”

    Then we put on HGTV and turn the volume up high so we can pretend our kids don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

    So yeah. Suzanne Whang sounds all kinds of judgy to me, too.

    “Julie and Bill want to move to Nicaragua and leave their children behind so they can have uninterrupted sex. Just once (or twice) a week is all they ask. Will they be successful or decide to send Jack and Karly to college instead? Stay tuned…”

    I hate that lady.
    (But I love your blog. So.)

    • Julie, You are freaking hilarious!!! I wish we watch the show together and be all snarky and self-righteous. And polish off a bottle of wine. And some ice cream. One day! xoxo

  3. I too am addicted to House Hunters International. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to live elsewhere so just have to clean and make do. BTW – The next time I watch it, I plan to check out the Whang Subtext.

  4. Kvetchmom (love the name, by the way):

    I stopped by your blog because you left such a lovely comment on mine. I love your personality and your writing. Your humor is identical to mine only in vanilla. :) I especially love your posts on marriage. You are a hoot. I’ll be back.

  5. Oh, dear goodness. This post has me in stitches. My huz and I have been watching House Hunters for years. In addition to that judgy-but-not-judgy voice, have you ever noticed that she wiggles when she talks, especially in the older episodes? Frank and I call it the “Whang Wiggle.” Her whole upper body does this subtle wigglewigglewiggle thing to punctuate facts which the The Whang find exceptionally juicy:

    “Ted wants to find a 4-bedroom, 2-bath house within a 10-minute commute of his office. But *wigglewigglewiggle* RITA prefers to live close to the beach, *wigglewigglewiggle* which is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of Ted’s office, where he *wigglewigglewiggle* works as a corporate kissass. Can this couple *wigglewigglewiggle* find a home that will meet both their needs, *wigglewigglewiggle* or is this just the first stop on a downtown trip to divorce? Find out on this episode *wigglewigglewiggle* of House Hunters.”

  6. Did you know that once Suzanne left, it’s been the lady who voices the dead friend on Desperate Housewives?

    And I totally know what you mean about the bangs.

Kvetch with me!

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