Code Brown!

After picking up my two-year-old from preschool this morning, we decided to go to Target. (Sadly, when I say, “We’re going to Target now,” he yips with joy and chants, “YAY TARGET!”) I needed to pick up some sippy cups, because no, Teacher Lady, we don’t do the big boy cups a.k.a. Flying Glass Projectile Objects. 

Target was uneventful. I went in needing sippy cups, and left with new tub toys (Rubber Ducky recently met its maker because it smelled like crotch rot), Teensy Fruits (don’t ask), two Matchbox cars, and several boxes of microwavable bacon. After narrowly dodging a collision with a questionably abled Target branded motorized wheelchair riding dude, we were on our way home.

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As we zoomed along to the sound of Theo singing I’m wollin’ in the deeeeeee-EEEYUP and the wha-whump, wha-whump of a plastic truck careening down the length of the mini-van and back again, I asked Theo if he had pooped in preschool that morning.

Yup! Nope! Poop! Yes! Nope! Poop! I want a baffffffff!

Inconclusive.

Back home we put everything away and prepped for bath time.

Hands over head, shirt off.

Round, round belly.

Wiggle, wiggle, jiggle.

Diaper and pants off.

Two sweaty socks.

A shoe filled with sand.

It had definitely been a sandbox morning.

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We went upstairs and filled the tub with water and bubbles.

New bath toys were bobbing, Theo was happily filling cups with water and pouring the water back over the faucet.

So, Theo, you know that if you need to make a poop, you need to tell Mama that it’s coming and we’ll hop on over to the toilet, okay?

Yep, yep! Hop over to toilet if poop comes. Okay!

A few minutes passed and I reminded him again. 

He played with a penguin cup, a fish cup and a starfish toy. Poured bubbles from penguin cup to fish cup. Dove fish cup through tall peaks of bubbles. Made bubble mustaches. 

Mama, where starfish? Where starfish? STARFISH!!!

I plunged my hand into the warm water and groped around the various cups that were hidden under the thick foam. 

No, that’s not the starfish. Not that either.

We’ll find it, don’t worry! I crooned.

Hey, what’s this I feel?

Oh.

Wait.

Did I leave a sponge in here?

Oh.

No, no, no.

Holy man sized shit.

This is not a sponge. 

CODE BROWN!

GET OUT OF THE TUB! 

Theo was dripping and shivery. Trying not to gag I flipped the drain and turned to get him dressed. After a few minutes I looked back at the tub, it was not draining. I approached but couldn’t see the drain so I splashed around the bubbles and cleared a spot.

There, staring right up at me, was a gigantic brown turd standing end to end in the drain. Two inches of poop sticking straight up. (How did a child his size produce this fecal monstrosity?)

I took the kitty litter scoop and pulled out what I could and flushed it. But the water was still not draining. There was still a poop plug. 

Desperate, I looked around my daughter’s bedroom. I needed a pencil, but I couldn’t find one and didn’t want to leave Theo alone upstairs.

But then, in the middle of a mosh pit of stuffed animals I spied a long skinny plastic leg with a red high-heel hooker boot attached. 

YES! 

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I popped off the foot of the Bratz Doll and set to work in the bathroom. Her footless leg was the perfect size to ground that poop down and through the drain. Soon the water had cleared and I could clean the tub without fear of excessive fecal hazard. 

After a hearty thank you for her creative genius, Miss Sasha Sunshine Shalom Barbara Bratz Doll found a new plastic condo in the side yard and all was well in the bathtub once more.   

Amen.

  

67 thoughts on “Code Brown!

  1. You kill me! That must have been horrific. Thank God for the Bratz doll (and I never thought I’d say that)!
    You are sooo one of my favorite people.

  2. Oh my….I could see what was coming but could not look away! Poop in the bathtub is my kryptonite, worst thing EVER! I so feel for you. I do want to give you an award for best use of a Bratz doll though – haha! Awesome story!

    • I almost had to use a Polly Pocket, but she was too petite. That would’ve required me submerging my hand in the poop water. Luckily the Bratz Doll is taller. So gross. May you never have to experience Code Brown!

  3. Oh GAWD! NO!!!!!!!! Okay, deep breath . . . well. All three of my children have pooped on the floor. Yep. Cross my heart. And yes, I lost my wits the first two times . . . by the third time, I leaned over, shrugged and snagged the brown turd without a second thought. Third time’s a charm. Gah!

  4. I think you should contact MGA Entertainment and tell them about this exciting new innovation. If I was them (or the CPSC) I would repurpose all Bratz dolls for this particular use…and also possibly as kitty litter pooper scoopers.

  5. I don’t want to write a crappy comment but just so you know – you are not alone. When my little guy was a toddler he pooped every time he had a bath! It was quite a work out on my arms swooshing him from the tub to the toilet once I saw the gleam in his eyes. My hubby never could identify the the poop gleam so tub time always was a crap shoot for him. Thank god for bleach.

    • Angela, HA! What a crappy comment. It’s always a crap shoot, indeed. This isn’t the first poop in the tub for Theo (probably more like the third), but in the past I’ve heard a grunt or seen the look. This was a total stealth poop. Shiver!

      • So I guess we could say that was a sneaky little shit….or I guess more accurately a sneaky man sized shit……oh I’m so sorry….I just can’t stop laughing. I sure do love reading your blog.

    • As I started reading your comment I thought, “Nothing keeps Gardner from her tortilla chips, not even a big old toddler poo!”

      I’ll never underestimate a Bratz again. Ever.

      xo

  6. I may or may not have just choked on my wine. That is the funniest thing that I’ve read all day. My 4 year old routinely drops man-size turds that leave me scratching my head in puzzlement trying to figure out the logistics involved. Next time my daughter asks for a Bratz doll I might have to say yes, never know when it will come in handy. Haha!

    • Delilah, Man-size turds! Ha! Weird thing is after he dropped that whopper he pooped two more times (in the diaper) these tiny ultra-pungent concentrated mouse nuggets. WTF??

  7. My now nearly 16 year old used to love raisins and once she pooped raisin poops in the bath repeatedly, so that I had to clean out the tub THREE times in one bathing session. When she was one she was walking around naked and was suddenly very quiet. I found her in the bathroom, staring at an enormous turd she had just produced, lying on the floor near the toilet, purely by chance of course. Neither of us could believe it had once been inside her. Luckily I found her before she touched it; she was just crouching there in awe. Great post! I love “fecal monstrosity”!

  8. Hahahahaha!! With the two boys in the tub, we keep waiting for this moment to happen! So far, we’ve only had some jet bubbles.

    My brother was OBSESSED with taking a dump in the tub. My mother kept a fish net at the side of the tub for those special floaters.

    Oh, and we’re thinking they’ll be toilet trained by the time they’re 10.

    • Lady E, Shut the fuck up with the fish net! That is brilliant. I think I love your mother. And your brother. Ha ha ha ha.

      I can’t believe this has not yet happened to you with your boys! Just you wait sistah. Better get yourself a Bratz Doll.

    • It was a moment of sheer desperation. It was her or a Polly Pocket, but the Polly was way too short and would’ve required my hands dipping into the pooh water. RIP Bratz Doll!

  9. The first time my daughter did that she screeched in horror – she was absolutely terrified of this “thing” in the bathtub. It didn’t happen again.

    • Robbie, Hee hee hee! I think that was our last remaining Bratz Doll (may she rest in peace). I’ve been sneaking them out to our neighbor’s daughter whenever she comes over for a playdate when my daughter is at school.

    • Tracy, They don’t look like they are suffering! Baths are really pretty gross. I don’t understand how it’s clean to sit in warm dirty water. I guess if you showered first and then sat in the tub…? In any case, I can’t wait to be done with the tub! (And I love the idea of paying the older kids to shower with the little one. Bwah ha ha ha!)

  10. My child never pooped in the tub. And he was fully potty trained at 11 months. (Crazy, right?) Still, I can’t help but feel I’ve missed out on some awesome material here.

    Oh, and I’m thinking you owe your daughter a new Bratz doll. ;-)

  11. Thank GOD I am not the only person who blogged about her two year old aqua dumping in the tub. Only E’s was not a nice solid. And I was pregnant. And I may have vomitted.

    Why do they do this when their fathers are no where to be found? WHY?

    • Katie, Yeah! I’ve got to ask my husband if he’s experienced a floater. I think not. I must admit, though, that just hearing my mom’s voice on the phone used to make me have to poop. (Freud? Hello?) So maybe it’s the warm water and relaxing maternal presence that loosens the shoot?

  12. Yup…a big giant shit right there in the tub…it’s happened to me more than once. More than 5 times actually. No fun at all. Also, I’m curious as to where the children are putting these gigantic craps. I swear my daughter has taken poops that were 6 inches long and 3 inches around (in the toilet (mostly) thank God). The fact that I can guess the measurements like that is slightly disturbing, but when your child runs to the kitchen, grabs your hand and screams with unadulterated excitement “Mommy! You GOTTA see this!!” & practically pulls your head into the toilet…it’s kinda hard not to notice.

    • Beth, That is so awesome! Only a cool person truly understands and wants to share an excellent poop. That kid is a keeper! One of my cousins actually took a picture of one of his gigantic turds and mailed the photo to his sister to admire. Yup.

  13. I’ve been there. Isn’t it disgusting?? And just when I thought I was done with that….I had another baby. She is 6 months and has yet to poop in the tub, but I know my time is running out. Also especially gross when you have twins that are bathing together and one poops…scream, get both crying kids out, drain tub, find clorox, throw all toys into a trash bag, clean tub, then get kids BACK in tub to wash them again. Oy. Loved this post, Jen!

    • Erin, I think being trapped in the tub with her brother’s floater was the pivotal moment that turned my daughter off from bathing in the tub. Nasty! It seems to me that the tub poops don’t start happening until toddlerhood, but I could be wrong. You’ll have to keep me posted on your little cutie’s first tub poop. Take a picture! ;-)

  14. This is too funny! And terrible! And funny!

    My precious preschooler has up until very recently really thought that diapers and pull ups were a-okay and clearly better than stopping for the toilet for an on-the-go guy like him. We’re still in the transition, but thank god it’s going well. ..now. Last week, not so much. He sometimes freaks out a bit when he has to poop and starts running around and being bratty, but it took a while for me to realize that this was related to having to poop. He was being a brat so I put him in his room without his pants on once for a time out. I figured out the whole thing pretty fast after he pooped on his bedroom floor such a huge log that I’m still trying to figure out how that could’ve ever been inside him. GROSS. Just gross.

    • Joy, People really don’t talk about how challenging potty training is and what a kind of stressful/momentous time it is for parents and toddlers. Instead of scaring pregnant women with birth stories, we should be warning them about potty training!

  15. Bath pooping? WTF? It’s just wrong! I’m convinced it’s proof that they don’t really love us as much as they say they do – who does this to their Mother?

    You are not alone – so far we’ve also had 3 poos in the tub, please NO MORE!! And as for he training, The Youngest has said, ‘No thank you.’ Every single time he’s been given the choice – he now says, ‘Nappy catches the poo, not underpants, you can keep stupid underpants, I no poo on Lightning McQueen.”

    Thanks for the tip on keeping broken dolls legs handy and a fishing net – genius in the comments!

  16. Major chuckling while reading your code brown posts. I had just finished reading “The Horse Boy” by Rupert Isaacson. He first introduced me to the term; I had not heard it before. And now you. Goodness, I am behind in current terminology.

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